Hello friends, here are my session notes from a drug study i took part of at The Behavioral Pharmacology Research Unit at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore during the spring/early summer of 2009. After a phone interview I came in to meet the people and during this time I was shown a list of about 100 possible drugs that they might be giving me and  said I would have no idea what I was getting and that they would not know either. It was suggested and implied that I probally was going to be given psychedelics and of course this was the reason I was there, my belief that these substances are a gift to humanity to be treated with respect.  

 Each session consisted of me coming in around 8:30am, running through a series of tests and then swallowing 4 green pills, hanging out for around 45 minutes until I felt something and then lying down putting on eye shades and headphones. I would be down for 1hour 45 minutes, then the music would stop I would come out and would be asked questions like "Do you feel a drug effect? Does the room look different? What was happening when you were lying down? What kind of drug do you think youve gotten?" etc... Then I would stand one foot with my eyes closed and arms out and time how long I could do it. Next I would stand in front of a box mounted on the wall with a large circle of lights with a button for each one, every time you hit a button the next light turns on randomly, one minute how many can you push. After that Id sit at a computer and do all these strange split brain, memorization, hand-eye, time based, and other types of tasks. Which are diffucult by them selves with out having your mind blasted. After these tasks Id get to hit the couch again and go back inward for around an hour then the same tasks again, then I would have time to eat lunch or chill out for another little while and then do the tasks again. By then I would sober enough to be a human again, at the end of the day I was given forms regarding mystical states of awareness to fill out. And then if all was well I would say goodbye and hop in a cab and return home. I went to these sessions 2 times a week until the doses became heavy, then I needed a week between to settle and integrate the experiences into my being. 

Going in I knew it would get intense: I assume that I was getting high grade chemicals that are like 99.99% pure (psilocybin) and some of the reports from people I knew who did this study was they got shot out further than they ever had before. Hey-- Im pretty good at traveling to the outer limits (and beyond) of consciousness, I feel most at ease in these nonlocal states.  

Session 2.
 Its been raining all night everything in Baltimore is soaked, Bubbles the sedan driver is a half an hour late. No problems for me I enjoy standing outside in a light sprinkle and watching people across the street waiting for the bus. Since taking a beekeeping class I find myself meditating on superorganisms nestled within other superorganisms, from the cells in our body to our bodies in cities to cities on the planet on and out. Yeah so I arrive and get comfortable and do the morning routine of talking and tests and then swallow the 4 blue pills. More talking for about a half an hour and then the eye shades slip over the eyes and the headphones over the ears.

This is great I really enjoy this, I can usually call up visions alone with my eyes closed, add eye shades and music that'll shoot me right there. Now add a low dose of some mystery substance which I received today and pow, hello. Slowly the background fuzz of lights from my minds eyes start shifting into forms as I go deeper. It becomes fuzzy moss. Green and vibrant, my rational self steps in and then the forms disappears back into static. I let the music take me deeper. The moss appears again, then it breaks into two sections down the middle like a reverse tower erupting out of chaos. I am going down deeper but not being swept away to sleep. I focus on the music it is a rich swelling orchestral piece, each passage is creating a form, one side of a cave, then the floor, then another wall, the music builds in intensity and a beatiful bright sky appears. I am looking out of a cave, at this point I end up letting go deeper and loose any sort of awareness, but I am still aware of the room and my body.

I get up ready for the tasks, balance, button pushing and computer brain. I feel shakey and my stomach is slightly irritated, throat is dry. My balance is off, Nothing too bad, stuff I would ignore and continue during a normal day. During the computer tasks I catch myself staring at things a little longer and having to push myself to count instead of just doing it. At some point I am looking at the garbage can over my left shoulder, I say oh yeah I am in the middle of a computer task and turn my head back to click away. I feel slowed down and a little groggy. I finish up and get ready to put the eye shades on again. Its pretty strange to evaluate myself on a very low doses because the environment is still foreign enough and these processes are projecting me into different modes of awareness.

I put the shades and headphones on go back inward. It feels good to lie back down, and I am swallowed up by the darkness and sound. After a while I feel someones presence out in the hallway, walking to the room, and then I hear the door open. Wait I just felt that person in the hall, well ok that was interesting back to the darkness. I am pulled back out to do more tasks and completely forget about I was knowing what was beyond the door.

The day ends with little fanfare and as I get into the cab Bubbles said I looked tired, well yes I do feel drained. I get home and Carly and I go to the grocery store to pick up a few things to make for dinner. As soon as I get in the store I feel like I am flying high on a psychedelic, but I'm sure its just modern marketing trying to hypnotize the money out of my pocket with promises of paradise made out of corn syrup wrapped in a day-glow box.

 Session 3.

Its been maybe half of an hour since I dosed and my arms start to get sensitive and tingly, inside my chest I feel a slow building of energy. I have been sitting reading, its friday and the first real warm day of spring and I am inside a room with sealed windows, no fresh air to break code of controlled environment. I pull the eye shades down and put on the headphones and give Chad the thumbs up, preparing for some sort of---- uhhh something. I figure the odds are getting better of getting something that gives a kick to my organism, instead of the previous two sessions of 'do I feel something, I guess I do, do I really, well....sure yes, well maybe no, well if I think I do I must..... and if I don't, I wont”.

So I focus on the warmth in my chest and it slowly rises up climbing to the very top of my skull, I wait for a second and realize well this is not a psychedelic unfolding. Shit, my consciousness is jammed into the very top of my brain and now thoughts are pouring into it and being spun around like a spinning wheel. I feel my blood pumping right in the middle of my ears, man this is a real cerebral kind of state, my body doesn't feel especially loose n' zippy like on coffee or trucker speed this must be one of these social mind levelers for people who do not resonate to the linear rational society. I don't mind thinking really fast but I am wearing eye shades and listening to this lush full emotional music! I am annoyed at the situation, I am ready to like read or run around out side, I can't wait for the computer tasks. My eyes are wide open and all I see is black this 2 hour wait till I get up feels is like 10.

Finally. Great. I am doing the task where you enter strings of numbers while you count until 5 minutes passes, usually I have to concentrate to keep the time count correct. Today my body is rocking the seconds my foot is tapping to the string of numbers being entered and my mind is off thinking about what I have to do later on. I find this really funny. Afterward when I go back under the veil I somehow manage to fall asleep for a minute! It totally breaks the spell of speed, and I slowly drift back into a more calm state of being which stays with me until I leave.

Finally the day ends and I arrive home, I am running the sound system for a show tonight and when I see everyone I end up talking 2,000 words a second and jump right into getting things in place. getting a second pause------Well I felt pretty calm in the taxi ride home. I guess it is still affecting me--??--- possibly I am just happy, well I am happy--- How can you break it up? Why would I want to break life up into little boxes? This is the strangest part of the study so far, trying to break things into pieces.

 Session 4

Ive let this one settle a few days before writing about it. During the morning cab ride the lady driving me is constantly talking to so someone on her cell phone with speaker on, the person on the other end is in some sort of sleep deprived state just mumbling half responses and grunts, sometimes no answer. As we enter the highway the car in front of us has a personalized license plate that reads NOLAGRL.----Holy shit, Holy shit, Becky you there, youll never guess what this license plate reads- Oh my--- shes freaking out getting really ecstatic, because here name is Nola, and her old high school boyfriend has recently been on her mind a lot and he used to call her that. Things calm down for a minute, we get talking and asks me what kind of drug study Im doing, apparently everyone who works for this taxi company does drug studies when the aren't driving, and when I tell her she starts freaking out saying that the same old high school boyfriend was the King of Psychedelic Mushrooms. Synchronicity kicks us both right square in the face, we sit in silence for the rest of the ride.

Around a half an hour past dosing, I attach the eye portal blackness and sound holding muffs and in go inward, I find the smooth and slow creeping of energy and follow it as it grows and pulses . I spend most of the next two hours preparing the internal alchemical balance; I quiet my mind and tuck it into a cozy corner so I am aware but not attached, I then shift my awareness to my chest and sync my breathing onto the tunneling of pulse of blinding white light, then shifting down to the lower realm of the will- so I can drive this vehicle. As soon as everything seems lined up and primed up I am pulled out to explain whats happening and do the tasks. It takes me a minute to be able to stop and reassemble my ability to interact on that level again.

The room feels fine and while I my spirit feels slightly lifted from my body I think I was able to communicate well enough. When I went to the light board I felt quick and on top of it, doing the computer tasks became quite easy too, during the letter memory/position I was able to push my thinking below the level of my forehead and then put the string of letters inside and hold them for a little longer than I usually can. These tasks became enjoyable and knowing that a another world awaited just beyond them I savored the moments of interaction.

Back down and back in- Right away I can feel my self extend beyond the walls of flesh, like a stone tossed into water my energetic bodies ripple away and became visible to my minds eye. I look around with this internal vision and see my spirit body: its a bright fibrous substance, I go in closer and see it is made of clusters stars wrapped in crystaline webs. I then follow these webs until the are outside of my organism , they are pulsing I am watching them as they start to form valleys and my body starts lifting up over them and then its dissolves back to waves with little detail. I play the internal balancing act trying to get proper lift off: heart-centric awareness, check.../// the brain- keep it quite and yet aware , check..////// ok and and now lets kick in the guts and push forward. During this time superimposed on my mind is: a loaf of bread forming, and then a knife and then it is slowly cut into pieces.

I am flying over mountains, forests and natural landscapes of beauty its zipping across at a very fast pace and then I hit these solid shapes that flicker into archetypal forms: Sumerian gods, golden egyptian thrones, moses and a burning bush, jesus, Kali.... As each one appears I push it aside as soon as it comes and it is replaced by then next, like flipping through a deck of cards. In my mind the thought comes to me that I am hitting the morphic field of the 'mystical states form' or perhaps the resonance of the past people who have been in this study.... I feel no connection, no authentic relationship to these manifestations, they seem like cheap magic tricks. I start feeling my mind becoming to dominate and the need to shift out of this. In my pocket I have a bear claw and I go to it and I pull my essence into it, pulling its essence over me. In a past journeying experience a bear appeared and ate my chest, now thats a connection I can feel.

Things settle back and I am able to just be aware and calm I am lying down in a room with headphones on, I wonder as what to do now.... I focus my energy and create a shadow form of myself, it sits up and then walks over to the computer, it goes into it, I get visual phenomena of random noise, I direct it over to the person sitting in the room with me and have it sit down next to them. Slowly images start coming to me; hazy color turning into a face, now its dirty...now the features are obscured, now its in a square or some type of screen, things are muddy and not clear, I look inside of me for some sort of personal reference point holding the image still. Nothing. Strange,,,,oh wait , Oh yeah I'm in a funny setting, I'm a test subject, come back inside, lets test thy self.

I feel the essence of my friends Carson and Max neatly placed inside boxes that appear to be part of a bigger wheel that possible could hold everyone I know, I shift a level away from them and symbols of artistic ability appears, Max has a box of junk and paint brushes, Carson has some sort of synthesizer with a very bright digital day-glow readout. I meditate on the meaning of this and how/what they represent to my being, and my best conclusion is that I should encourage these paths for them. Ok, I feel I accomplished something constructive during this session. I am awoken out of this state and sent to more testing and tasks, the shift is a little much and it slowly wears me down as I am coming down from the journey also. The rest of the day and night was calming, I got home and listened to music and got to bed early.

A cool thing is the next day I am hanging out with Carson (not mentioning any of this) and he starts going on about how he just order a bunch of synthesizer kits and needs to borrow my soldering iron. I of course tell him he can borrow it!

Session5:

After about 45 mins after putting on the eye shades and going through a check list of levels of perceptional reality and finding everything in order, my spirit body starts lifting to a clockwise swirling motion, twisting me around like a cosmic corkscrew. Feeling how strong it is and that I had to put very little effort to activate this state I come to the conclusion that I have been a moderate dose of psilocybin. I visualize onto this swirling wormhole; superimposing a string from the top of my head to in between my feet and the earth with its tilted axis and the magnetic poles. I then watch the twisting energy form into two vines wrapped around each other, my inner-vision climbs down these vines to the roots and a hole dematerializes--- poof—it stops and everything is very crystal clear, I can feel my body lying down, but my consciousness is not tied to the organism I can move freely within it stopping at various areas and interact with them. I instantly feel a tightness in my back, that is connected to my chest and goes down to my gut. I note this and choose to stay on the physical level, I focus on my hands and they start to distort in size, becoming very large and small at the same time. The top of my head, it seems that is has become plastic and as I push on the top my whole body stretches with it. I go around to my eyes and try to whip up some visual phenomena but the tightness in my back becomes more noticeable, ok this is where I need to be. I notice that it is almost time to come up for the tasks, so I start to slowly come back, the music shuts off and I slowly stretch my body and try opening my eyes, which I end up closing immediately. Its really bright, I eventually do and notice that it is hard to see, focus my vision or bring the words to this world. I think I do, I feel drugged, strange I was so clear headed inside my body, now stuck in between worlds. Things slowly shift for me as my focus goes to the realm of physical place and space. I feel confident in my mental abilities to but uncentered when standing up and walking to the toilet.

All goes well enough and I go back down, it takes a few minutes to get back in the right space where I am able to move freely within. I go to my back and focus on the tightness, first I try taking 4 deep breaths, holding them and exhaling, as I inhale a focus on the tightness and push it to my lungs, while holding my breath I push the tension out, then exhaling- completing the flow. This which usually works for me if I have tension doesn't. Ok another method, I go into my back and let it absorb into my whole body, my hands legs, arms, and feet get very tense. I hold this for a long time letting the tension take over my body, I look to see if I have any extra spots inside to send energy to my back---nope. Slowly I move the tightness from my legs up, my arms in and put it all of it into my gut, I then turn my head on its side and push it up so it shoots out of the base of my neck next to my shoulder. Like a string of sausage links, they start shooting off into the corner of the room. 5 seconds into this----I hear a stack of books fall on the ground in that part of the room.

The tension in my back is mostly gone and then the cause of that become apparent its my liver, I stop and listen to what it has to say. I had been drinking alcohol to the point of intoxication on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, something which I never do, I may drink maybe once a week (at the most), but I never really consume enough to get drunk. I then see an unfolding of personal events that lead up to this drinking, people coming in from out of town, who those people are, who they are to me, what they symbolicaly represent, how these symbols attach them to these people, how they choose to use this energy center in their life and how it affects me, my upcoming tour in Europe, how people love to drink in European culture, how that culture evolves.... etc. I am getting into it pretty deep, and then the music stops and its time to come out into the world of the living again. I feel animated and able to articulate this process, and very able to transition into this world now that I got some work done.

The rest of the afternoon is pretty smooth and mellow, I skip lunch and drink a lot of water, since that was one things that I was told to do from me organs, another one being taking care of my body the best I can on tour (which is hard to do). During a 30min break in between I lay down and see if I am able to bring out some visions, as Mary asked earlier if I thought I could of explored these realms if my body didn't need the attention/work. My thought was; it happened that I needed to do that type of work and I was following the trail to a solution. Now if I was in a situation where had to go another route and my back was hurting could I? I don't know if breaking it down to a if/or supplies an answer. So with my eyes closed (no eye shades or headphones) I go to the eye of the mind and watch a pulsing light show, its a very fluid and swelling amorphic golden light. This drops me down to a deeper state, and slowly two women with cosmic black skin appear who are tending tomato plants, planting them into the earth and picking the fruit. Hey thats full circle imagery. I watch them and wonder where they are, it feels like some sort of paradise, I scan back and they are in the alley by my house, I see the alley as it is now, dirty, stained with oil from cars, broken beer bottles, and push a vision of trees ripping up the concrete and clean streams washing away the garbage.

 Session 6

Its been one month since my last session, in that time I spent the time doing a solo musical tour that took every ounce of everything I had within to complete. It was an amazing constant high of playing music every night, traveling by train carrying just under 100lbs, meeting new exciting creative people and sleeping very little. During this tour I was hitting pretty far out states of consciousness from pushing myself into the beyond. After tours it usually takes me about a week to recover back into a more slower pace of living. So Ive been home one week settling back down and I am swallowing some unknown pills and waiting to see what happens.

An hour plus goes by and I sort of start feeling something, it feels psychedelic- my mind starts creating images that appear independent of my thoughts. There is a bunch of blackish sand pouring down toward me, a funnel forms and the sand now is being collected and then sprinkled slowly. The words Rip Van Winkle appear in my head. I focus my awareness to the very front of my brain, forming two opposing moving spirals and slowly move it down and back to my spine and out my feet, I do this a few times until I feel centered and comfortable. two lines appear in the center of my mind--- they start moving out from the center, criss crossing each other, like connected infinity symbols---- these lines are uncoiling around my head and creating a nestled shell like trajectory. At this moment the music on the headphones stop and I am pulled out. I start doing the tasks and things are hazy, the drug effect is not super strong at this point but my eyes start loosing focus and concentrating on the memory section gets harder and harder. By the end of the computer tasks it creeps up on me strong and I become pretty drugged----The rest of the day I feel like I am holding a dull knife, trying to cut away a very thick layer mushy of reality.

During the whole session I am thinking “Ive been given psilocybin...” but now looking back a day later I am not too sure. Im pretty good at getting to the deep intuitive state of working with thought forms/ moving between levels of reality without drugs, so If I take any sort of extra boost, this kind of imagery happens with no-effort. So the visions don't mean anything, plus I could of gotten DXM or something similar. The whole day lacked a certain kind of clarity in the visionary state and I was feeling loss of purpose when I wasn't sitting on the computer doing something. When I was lying down the interior landscapes just kind of floated from one state to another, hey: I can shape-shift into a dragon, I can push my self into a tiny little corner and make everything else dissappear, I can go to all sorts different planes of existance but now that I am here: what is there to work with.... nothing: it looks like a empty swimming pool........

I have been thinking about this and trying to pin point the exact cause of this feeling: was I given a dissociative? am I still adjusting from tour? was I picking up on everyones “post-vacation-back-to-work” shift? is it because it was super hazy rainy morning? am I at a loss because taking drugs with no sacrifice equals shallow experience?

Of course I am at the conclusion (again) of “Why am I trying to isolate how I am feeling into one specific factor, I know its all of these elements at play.” Now why the, Why? Because I am taking part of a study, and science is in the art of breaking the world down to smaller pieces. This is being projected onto me, choose 0-4, press these buttons, does the room look different, etc... And what my organism naturally gravitates to is take these isolated forms and help create language by binding them together.

Session number Seven.

Well that was great, you finally got to really blow my tops off. Its now Wednesday and I am writing this, I think everything has settled and I have been able to bring what I can to this surface. I am very humbled in knowing that some things I struggle to understand. A few of my questions have been answered by syncronistic forces in these days following my session, and in recalling the last week even a few that happened days before. As my circle of experiential knowledge expands and deepens the hunger for the unkown becomes greater and deeper too.

Before I awoke in the morning of this session I entered into a precognitive dream, I materialize and become lucid in my dreaming self. I look back and this transitional passage and it is symbolically shown as a toll booth behind me and I am on a road out. To the right of me is a stump of wood – I know if I chop and split this piece of wood I will be able to go back deeper into sleep- looking down at my hands I see an ax. As I am about to chop it I notice a metal ring wrapped around the top of it which would prevent me from doing this deeper sleeper action. Pondering this ring I come to the realization that this is my alarm clock that is about to go off and I should go ahead and just wake up slowly and get the day started. I shift deeper into my physical body becoming aware of my limbs. I open my eyes and right then my alarm clock goes off.

Currently outside looking in at this study I can see a few things: I have no idea what is in these 4 little blue pills!! Seriously it all could be absolutely nothing. I know I am getting “something” but I will not confuse the BOAT with the RIVER. The trick is to keep a balance of the inner alchemy at work....... were all the factors break down and bond into a soup of total experience: chemical-elemental workings, actions with consequence, the personal in the historical, intuition, logic and of course the most important INTENTION.

Well what am I doing? I am shifting my awareness by taking unspecified substances that create common states that differ sometimes in very subtle ways. I am navigating these chemical imprints and bringing back information to the best of my ability. My intent is also to manifest a deeper connection to spiritual states: helping lift the collective veil. Well these two intentions smashed into each other on this number 7.

Lucky number seven, its going to be a good session. Yes. Seven. I am lying down, things feel good, the music becomes a blank wall of stimulation, white noise, nothingness, just like my eyes: black holes. Goodbye to the exterior world, Im going to the inner path to outer space. The day before the session I had done a mix bag of performance/reading/music/group hypnosis with my friends at a salon gathering, it consisted of me leading everyone though a cosmic meditation into the void and back into one mind. I was quite pleased with how it manifested and was still resonating in me strongly in the session. So as soon as I feel a huge surge of energy in the shape of a grid superimposed on top of my body, I know I have some strong fuel and I start the shift smooth effortlessly and clear.

My spine, the earths magnetic pole

My clear mind, the hollow earth

My flaming heart, the lava under the crust

I make the shift to planetary consciousness, I see the moon the planets the sun burning, I keep expanding swallowing up each one, The sun now becomes the my heart, the solar system my mind, my spine is connected to energy even larger.... faster and faster I am shooting out, universes, cosmos, as everything expands and become greater my singular sense of self is becoming smaller, burning away to a crisp. It feels great to shed the shell of self, it is such a small part of what we really are. As pure awareness is manifesting a void also begins to become clear..... its the edge of all possible knowns- the big bang...a line of what we cannot pass into as singular entities the limits of human understanding....... I have pulled out all the stops, I am returning to the source. What happened next is unclear to me at this moment in time, what happened right after I know, what happened leading up to it I can follow in my memory, but there is a point were I am unable to recall. I have been open as much as I can looking at it honestly and truthfully.... but I am not sure what really transpired. I have hit this state a couple of times before in my life and have knowledge of what happens before and after. The first time I hit this state I was 18 years old and I struggled with the Christ and Lucifer concepts for a half a year, and it really spun me out because I had no training or healthy reference points on what it all meant. It made me stop taking psychedelics at the high levels I was doing them, which really helped me get my shit together and go deeper into spiritual awarenesses at a much slower and controlled rate.

So anyways I am approaching the point were everything is wrapped in a blanket of nothing, I entering it....or I try to, I don't really know if I can know.... and the next thing I know everything is confusing get really strange and complex! I am aware of myself and that in a few minutes that I will have to sitting up and talking to people and pushing buttons. Ok how do I fit the entire known unknowns into this tiny tiny body? Its a very hard logic problem, I go to find my body and of course I am in the middle of it but since Ive expanded so far out, it feels small and tight. I start by just going in at first my body is all distorted and filling up, but then way too much is inside. My heart starts pumping faster and then I become aware of the music, its a real heavy segment of building intensity. That was not helping me get back to center, its fighting against me. I turn on my side and pull off the headphones and eyeshades reaching for the puke garbage can. I need to push out all this extra energy, my organism takes over and goes to vomit, half way through retching I push with my lungs. It happens again. I feel Chads hand on me and encouraging words, I put my hand on his and that really helps pull me back in.

Im blown wide open: every one and everything in the room is flat like holograms, around them the real essence is pouring out and getting swallowed up into infinity. I am the same way my body and self is just like an image on a piece of paper; a doodle representing something greater. The pull back into the cosmic reality is great I have to use a lot of energy to stay in this flat world. As I sit at the computer tasks the ones about subject feelings of drug effects are just impossible to answer, I can feel anyway I want, headache, tired, energetic, etc. I just answer straight down the middle. The natural or artifical ones are funny concepts anyways, because I don't break the world like that ever but I still have to answer them as how other people view reality. Seperating our role as the mechanical manifestations of natures spiral upward. I still can bring myself down to this level and try my best to answer them forgetting this knowledge. Now trying to memorize these words for later recall becomes even more silly, Ive just melted my soul down to gold and blew it to an infinite amount of interlocking pieces arranged in a divine logic, I am trying to recall this knowledge, not 'tangerine' 'apartment' or 'vest'. Fighting to hold onto the flat world and complete these tasks is a fun challenge to me and I take the rest of them as well as I can. When it comes to the time estimation I have successfully pushed my way in, even if the numbers on the screen are shooting back/spiraling to infinity. Laying back down I dont want any music on the headphones-- Ive had problems with this music a few times in these sessions and Im just too wide open to be driven by a computer data base selection. Ive been in psychedelic circles before with live music in drugged states stronger than this and the music really helps you stay grounded and lift off safely and it flows with you, but this music is not alive in that sense. It was a negative charge in my journey when it came to renter my body. And was one of that factors of confusion. But I still decided no say anything and to do it as study protocol. Now the funny thing is since I pulled them off before, the music was never stopped. So when it comes time to start the music it actually gets turned off, so it worked out exactly how I wanted, just by thinking the thought. It takes no effort to see any of the interior levels at work: the most noticeable thing is down the center and behind my spine, a luminous flaming rod inside of that is clarity of ultimate reality, outside of this and the bridge between to the light is the ways of christ/lucifer consciousness. The pull to swallowed up into any of these states is strong, but I let it all flow right out. Now I am confronted with 'why am I not going into these states' is there a problem because I am choosing to remain an observer and not go for it?? Rolands words echo “Is there fear”. The lucifer pull is strong, the one that says you can go in to the light and remain human and have god like powers 'youve already made the music stop what else do you want to do?' The christ pull lobbies, become the center of all existance, you are the one. The flames just burn hotter.....it is like both of these states but something else completely beyond human. I maintain my stand and humble myself before it all, knowing that I will not go forward into any of these, it is not my choice to choose, humility is the correct action. I accept my limitations. I feel waves covering me in protective comfort// being blessed,,, I shown that I am all of these things and knowing them does not mean that I have to become them fully, they are a part of us all. Everything is perfect, everything is happening the way it is supposed to happen. Having put these issues at ease, I shift into my place within this world. Looking down I see my body lying on a couch, like a magnet next to loose iron fillings energy is flowing through my heart and out into the world with no end. I see the room and what everyone involved these studies have been doing: We are doing good work! I see my life and the projects me and Carly have undertaken and accomplished. Yes yes,... Wow... Baltimore.. here we all are. I am floating about the city, a fractal energy wave is shooting out spiraling up to me.... Inside of it, history, time, place, earth energy, conceptual evolutions, its all inside and funneling down to the city. I start to go deeper into the whys is this here. Balance. Balance Balance. Earth energy, oceanic flow of spiritual energies coming to an end into the material / earth.... peoples inner realities are very strong in this place, the veil between desire and manifestation is very thin here. What people want they get....spiraling to the history of Baltimore: the city of firsts, expansion of western empire of thought.... now we are in the middle of the collapse of western empire, the material poverty creates an opening for spiritual growth.... we are rebuilding a new era out of the rubble of dying modes, a new foundation is being built. The phoenix is rising, the only way to do this is one person at a time, within. Everything is perfect.

Session 8

Its like a dream now, thinking of it, it was almost if the session didn't happen. Well...yup... I got blasted out again, and hit the end of what my organism could take, again--thrown to end of my rope which snapped in half and then got sucked into a void. Another strange day in this world, as this study comes closer to its ending it is pushing me further... I am very grateful to be pushed to limit, it makes me feel more alive and a more dynamic human. Having such a regulated time for mysterious substance ingestion that may produce strangely similar out states---- is pretty wild. What I enjoy learning the most in this life is how far to break down reality, stare at it in the eyes and then figure out what elements are at play. This is not simple as it seems, after certain points the defined edges fold back into each other and create specific shapes that are connected to yet another set of modes. The further I shoot out the notion of these elements are taking place within a controlled setting becomes a cosmic joke. It all breaks down. It is really fascinating.

So anyways …......session 8, I'm pretty sure I was given a large dose of a dissociative, I really haven't done extensive personal exploration of these states as say as I have the classic hallucinogens, so going deep into it with an open mind was pretty intense since the drug wanted to close down my conscious connections. And especially since the last session I traveled out via cosmic consciousness and went beyond the self to merge into the 'void of all' and back again, my organism has seemed to want to hold my spirit in extra strong! I spent the 14 days after the last session integrating the elevated states back into my self, meditating, self reflection, sweating and physical work. The first thing I intuitively feel is that some sort of entity is standing to the left of me, it an ax and taking swings at my gut. A little bit later I feel waves of energy, like tiny black holes shooting in this spot. They are spinning and twisting making my skin get prickly and flushed, the glue between my spirit and body is starting to loosen, I try to project away from the body but I notice I am firmly inside and this extra energy is wants me in there. I try to pin point why this is, was it because of my last session, was I because my grandfather died last week and I have been dealing with death, was it because of the drug effect? Another wave of energy swirls from out the solar plexus, stronger reaching up to the heart and down the limbs, I surrender to it , it is very physical breaking the bonds, tiny needles of sweat followed by parts of the body dissapearing. Then another large wave swallows my whole body into the spinning sweating vortex of infinite nothingness, my self is.... Blank. Gone. Timeless. I flash back into the body I hear the music and its the exact same segment that I heard when I reappeared back from the 'void of everything' from the last session. I am in my body in the same room, the same situation, the same music----the base points of the sessions are making me time travel---- time is flat and all the sessions are superimposed on each other creating a visible arch of intensity, the last session was the white hole this is the reverse- the black hole. Same place (?) stepping from the beyond into different but very very similar situations......I am ready to accept it, but my body is rejecting it. I pull the headphones and eyeshades off and reach for the garbage can, and start puking my guts in that basin. I am bouncing out of time and back in to my body seeing my self puke, I puke a bunch, last time I pushed air out to purge--- this time its a physical ride, its some stinky stomach juice.

I clean my self up and dive back down have a half an hour still to go...For the rest of the day I am in my body but spinning inside of it, the music is making it pulse and vibrate, I cannot escape the body but I am not attached to it, vortexes appear and swallow up body parts. I Notice when I try to focus what little conscious energy I have I can maintain it a little but the drug is strong it pulls me back down. I focus on my visual center and see a black hole appear turning into a spinning swastika and start slicing off rows of human heads, Death is a pretty strong presence in this journey. Eventually after time slows down, I hear my heart beating loudly and I try to assemble some sort of workable knowledge of this experience.... looking in--- beyond the dimensional barriers..... If I say this pill I took this morning is giving me these feelings---is a lie. Yes the pill I took is projecting me in a certain direction with specific chemical reactions but “chance” or “chaos” are terms for a higher order that is yet unseen. These actions are lining up with an infinite other actions creating this specific moment of NOW.... dealing with what during my journey:::::: in Florida they were having a memorial service for my grandfather who died and I am named after, and that this moment of void-nothing-death drug lines up with the secret plan of the drug test givers who some how I have crossed paths with, and this black hole comes right after the white hole, and that tattooed on my arm I have an exploding spider-web-star with the #7 in the middle and that has everything to do with the last #7 session, which I got tattooed on me because of the first time I hit cosmic consciousness and that my purge from last session is a reverse time shock wave from this one, and that in the future I will come to a point of half uncovered reverse time aftershocks still buried within which I am slowly uncovering …..etc etc etc//// I keep piling these observations on top of each other and then I push my perspective back and see it is a house of cards. I pull the bottom card out. Poof. I hit a state of peace and bliss by transcending these barriers that I am bound to. No more questions. But I am still drugged.

I am not sure of the events of the day because its so hazy, when I get up my voice is not mine and people seem distant and I cannot make contact, so disconnected. The drug slowly winds down and everything becomes easier, and more normal. I take it easy the rest of the night and when I close my eyes to sleep I can see that my brain is still charged, electricity shooting behind my eyelids.

Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9

The evening before the session I stop working around midday and focus my energy for the rest of the night. Getting my energy together and balanced: going in and looking around I see I am still pretty shaken up from session 7+8. I have conflicts from this experimental-testing process---opening myself up to things that may not be the best for my be-ing...... its not the going far out to the edge and beyond, that is not the problem, its the coming back to deal with these tests. I knew what I signed up for and have faith in myself and am pretty comfortable with everyone involved intentions. Also I am seeing the problems in dealing with straight chemical compounds.... I am used to the soul of plants being there with me to help act as an anchors: be it there in the symbiotic gut gas bubbling compounds, or phantasm spirit guides pointing the direction to safely navigate the higher worlds.... With these sessions the complex chemical forms of these plant teachers has been removed, and just the rocket fuel is present....its a lot like LSD (and why I don't really dig it) in that the ground and navigational feedback circuit are may not so simple to find....that is if you have even found those things. We all the the trip we need, not the one we want.

So yeah.... were all blinded in this study....uh....sure, at this point everyone else knows that what gonna happen. Im the 11^th subject (?), they know how its goes. The doses are getting stronger..... I can read everyone and see a calm tension in the air, its gonna be a big day. I still figure that I its one of two options: I'm gonna get an even stronger dose of a classic psychedelic, or its the end; its gonna be a sugar pill. I place my bet on active drug and go into it free as I can be, lying down immersed in the blackness with orchestral movements pulling me down a road. This road has well worn tire marks, the same music program: me 9 sessions, at least 11 other people with their sessions. All the same tasks, button pushing, subjective questioning, mystical states forms, all of this creates a very specific resonance reinforcing itself. I see very clearly, myself in the middle of all this giving my psychic energy to and adding to this view point, making it a stronger field. A huge spinning vortex hits me and starts to lift me up taking me out of my body, I am not ready, no way, I need to get it all together more, wait, its the same music section that does this,,, damn it, same as the last 2 times I struggled with... Ok I need to stop this.... light pours in my eyes and the music gets tossed to the ground, I am breathing heavy and everything I am spinning out fast. I turn to my side and Chad is there and I focus on him it helps a little his voice is helping,, then Mary walks in at the moment Chad says 'find your path' (or something like that, I am blasted, linear time and space is quickly dissolving)))) The vortex is spinning me pretty hard still, I can hear the music far away in the corner and its wanting me to go with it. I utter this information and they say they can turn it off, I express that I need to work through it.... I get it together and know what I have to do, sit the hell up, keep the music off my ears and get my energy balanced, I am going to do what I need to do. None of this passive lying down dreaming positions, upright spine wakefulness..

My eyes are closed yet I see the room perfectly in my minds eye, Ahhh I get it..... I can play along well enough, but the joke is over guys.... this is the point: The games are over, I cannot play them anymore. I no longer will add to the parts that are holding me, humanity, the world, down. This is a clear line- and its all breaking down, I have to let this other state manifest within, this is my role in the situation and I have to bring this is-ness into be-ing. I can see the ultimate reality of the situation and its stacked on top of the lower levels of reality, the veil is has been lifted and our roles are clear as characters on the cosmic stage. And oh yes,yes , Yes the cosmic joke rears its self again....its especially funny because of the situation at hand.... were testing this human organism “Twig Harper” by launching his personal self to the furtherest reaches of innerspace in the historical logical manner. The contradictions are huge and obvious, transcending the duality into a fractal of evolution. The basis of the journey is from this testing mindset, its logical and I am going out to let the nonlocal states manifest , receive this information and bring it back to lower levels of awareness. I am running through the tasks in my mind: artificial or natural , always the funniest one.... from the first time I saw that I had to lower my view point of humanity outside the natural sphere of creation to play along with the game....its quite a brilliant technique actually, it seems almost unconscious as to it higher implications. then the subjective questions, hot cold, drugged, tired, dry mouth...... of course these are just subjective//// my awareness is already beyond a singular viewpoint and its heading straight for the unified grid, fast and hard.....

At this point linear time and space is hardly hanging on, I know at first I come back into the room and try very hard to explain to everyone that the tasks are over for me, and that the veil has been lifted and that I need to go back inward to do the work At this point I understand this is the last session I will be doing here, the omega point. Everyone, who is in the room, I am experiencing as spinning globes of elements of ultimate symbolic states around me. The reference points as individual entities are hardly hanging on. Chad asks for me to try to do some of the tasks, this goes against what I was holding within but since I am not fully resonating within my usual personal boundaries I accept it and trust the logic, going along, this is the path I accept. As I sit down at the computer I slowly realize that I cannot do and add to any thing worth of value going this way, everything is natural, everything is subjective and the finger keypad repeating patterns are just broken blobs..... shit, I knew it and now I am finding myself in a situation that I knew was not what I was needed to do. This hits me hard and my organism takes over, my head drops down and I roll the chair back with my legs and somehow get on the couch.

I have no reference point as to how long or the order of sequences of what happened next on the realms of physical and shared realities. I know I am sitting upright working the higher worlds down to my guts (will), to create an growth and stronger connection within. This is referenced to me by the symbolic act of letting an outside element i.e. Chad, my right hand side -logical/western/material viewpoint--- dictate my journey and not listening to my higher selfs will. This point of my personal development with the higher states has been an ongoing challenge for me, finding the healthy balance and proper use. As I am submitting to the divine order my self is being shredded off, I fully embrace the discarding of the human form. At this time (I am pretty sure, this is all happening in meta-time:) I transferred these struggles into the stomach and started puking the unwanted modes out. I sit back up and during this whole time (?) I am also aware of both of my forearms arms moving in circles above my will, maintaining this energetic circuit as long as possible. As this is happening I see everyone who works on this study standing around me, but not them as humans but as flaming luminous forms: all of our higher selves are present helping this transition on this side yet maintaining detached observers waiting for me on the other side in the unified field of All(-ahhh). As I am going closer back to the source and still maintaining a connection to a singular waveform (myself) I am hitting every human emotion I have ever felt, very very strongly and all at once....and this process is happening for everyone also in the room and everyone on this planet, we all are being birthed to a higher state. The christ spirit appears within all of us, represented by a hypercube cross extending out of us, this lifes ultimate purpose, the center of it all, a sense of initiation, a graduation, a death, to be born to be born, and we are all going for it.

I am pretty sure at this point my body collapses on the couch, I was not present so I am taking the other peoples sequence of events here: I was up for an hour then I am down for hours with my eyes rolling back in my sockets. Birth can look alot like death from the outside, and Mary (everyone?) was unsure of my state and what was happening inside of me, I had a look of anger (struggle) before complete immersion. They were unsure if I stuck in the struggles of the mind or had broken free, I was unresponsive. Mary held a physical connection to my body and projected love onto me which helped maintain a peaceful ground for my journey. I have hit these deep states before but never with such power to hold me in certain spots for so long....

I awaken to a cleansing a clearing of all senses, I recognize it, I am in the void. I am here for an eternity, I have no past, no future, no present, no body, no thing, the pure state of Is. I run into a moment of experiential time distortion... I am able to think and I know I had been further out and this is a much lower level, since I am thinking of the void. Where I had just come from is so far beyond me.... But everything is still the void, I think of how I can try to explain the states beyond this and a blank piece of paper appears with the word NOTHING. I explore this aspect of the void and it has a visual element, which I find very interesting, because I still have no history or sense of self. It is square at first a flat plane, it looks like styrofoam with green moss growing on it. It is the exact same quality that visual hallucinatory images have, am I resonating as a singular dot in the visual centers (?), have I maintain this observation for a little bit less than eternity and POW! I am hit a flash of knowledge of the concept of life, and then the flat plane has slighlty more depth, yet the concept of life also ceases to exist. After another eternity minus 2, POW, concept of life hits again but this time I remember that I am part of it, these flashes are super quick zaps and then back to the void for long times. This keeps developing to more complex forms and the time and rate of the flashes become more frequent. As I slowly experience my life in all possible dimensions, the void eventually becomes a square room with and much later when I am integrating the higher worlds this place develops an arched roof, and realize I am inside the metaphysical chapel --- the triangle is resting on the square.

I first flash into being with the mental concepts then along side the spiritual ideas develop and then the physical, and then the relationships between each one. I knew that a lot of the information will be slowly absorbed and uncovered when the proper balance is achieved, I had to go through it first. My body first appeared as a dot then, lines shooting through my arms and legs, from there I see lines in the shape of bubbles shooting off connecting the energy, I follow these lines and I see hands holding mine, I follow these lines and I enter into this person, a luminous flame burning bright, I absorb this and notice the circuit between us and then see more lines shooting off between us and traveling in a webbed grid outward. I attach to this grid and jump from point to point until I no longer am aware of my self, at some point I hear a voice say my name, Twig, very strange... who? I start traveling back to this person called twig following the voice. I hear another voice asking a question, I cannot process the voice at all, but eventually understand some one is curious to what is happening. I ponder on how to explain this web of connection I look at this energetic web and how it is constructed: its me traveling beyond the self but still in myself, its a holographic model as within so without, as above so below....ahhh this is hard to articulate....ok,,,, I know Ive been putting numbers on this form next to this saying ALL IS ONE, thats language they understand. I say it, I am it. During all this time I am still having flashes where time and place of everything I just went through superimposed on itself. I eventually phase back into myself and start processing the subtle layers of reality, I hear the voice asking a question or saying something to me, it makes no sense at all, but somewhere inside I know what they want. I try to explain the layers of reality and how it all interacts, the illusionary forms of order that the rational mind creates, and how to change it and how it develops and how we are all take part of this creative unfolding....um shit there is no way to say any of this its so subtle and complex, should I say, were living in an illusion? No thats not completely right, ummm geez …... THIS WORLD IS DIFFUCULT......comes out.

I slowly come back to the room, I look out and everything is blue and brown and my eyes will not focus on one image, my brain is split down the middle. My head is facing the south and I have no idea how long I have been down, 10 minutes, 6 hours? did I puke? Was Matt and Roland really in the room? What the hell....? I ? ? Everything slowly comes back into linear time mode yet I can close my eyes and go back and hit these states effortlessly. The cycle of life keeps rolling.